I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
