WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
