just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
