you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
