she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
