I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
