I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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