Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It's Friday. Sex?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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