I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
