Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
