I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
