HIV tests are more positive than that guy
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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