I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
