Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
