some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
