I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
