Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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