if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
