Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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