I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
