I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So many bounce houses so little time
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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