i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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