I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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