Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
