So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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