Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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