I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
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there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just googled if crying burns calories
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
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It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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