I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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