You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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