I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
