The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sext me about skeletons
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
