I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
40s are totally the cure
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
