In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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