I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
