and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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