at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
