this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
