my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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