apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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