where am i from again
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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