someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
