I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
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