I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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