she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
