cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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