also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
