Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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