no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
