I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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