Pants 0. Shit 1.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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