Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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