I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
