when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
